5/28/14
There are times when the relationship between the caretaker, meaning the person who is hired to look after the elderly or infirmed and cared-for becomes more than an employee/employer relationship. They become very close emotionally and this can lead to sexual activity. When this happens — and when family members like an adult son or daughter find out — suspicions arise that the caretaker / homemaker is scheming for more favors and financial access, and that’s very difficult for the adult children or other family members to deal with. The children don’t see their parent as a sexual being any longer, when in fact many elderly are sexually desirous (if not sexually active) well into their late decades.
At times throughout our lives we need help with various tasks of daily living. When we are young, our parents care for us as we grow and mature. In illness our parents take us to the doctor, apply medicines and try their best to keep us healthy and well. Once we reach adulthood, our significant other in our lives meet these caring needs. It may be a lover, spouse, or close personal friend. But in the later years of our lives, many of the informal caretaking supportive people in our lives have passed away, or moved away. So as the care needs arise in later years of our lives, we have to seek out formal paid for caretaking help.
This help can come from a commercial agency, or from an informal source such as a church or private referral from a friend, doctor or family member. Whatever way the caretaker enters the life of the cared for, they form a bond and a relationship. If the situation is a live-in arrangement, there may be more than one caretaker assigned. Usually there is a caretaker for the weekdays and a caretaker for the weekends. However at times the same caretaker agrees to live in the home of the cared for on a semi-permanent basis with no relief worker. The relationship between the cared for and caretaker is more intense and personal when this is the case.
There is a certain family dynamic at work as well in the lives of the cared for. The children, nieces or siblings of the cared for are unable or unwilling to meet the daily needs themselves. These family members involved on a daily, weekly or monthly basis in the life of the cared for often try to oversee the caretaker and assure themselves that the care needs are being met for their loved one. Even though the child of the cared for is not doing the personal care need tasks themselves, often times they are instructing the caretaker to carry out the task at hand in the way the child feels is best for their parent. There is some guilt on the behalf of the child or family member, and this may be expressed by being bossy or stern towards the caretaker who is actually performing the daily tasks needed to keep their loved one safe and healthy. Friction often arises between the caretaker and family members in charge. Often times the family members are writing the pay check for the caretaker from the assets of the cared for. Even though it is not the child's money, the child feels it is their inheritance and begrudgingly pays the caretaker weekly. These feelings many times come across to the caretaker and can cause more friction in the relationship with the family member.
. For many different reasons the children and family have stepped away from the daily care needs of their loved one and have handed off these duties to an outsider, the caretaker. But due to the close proximity over the long duration together, the cared for and caretaker form a close bond, a union. In many instances it is similar to that of an old married couple. I will give anonymous examples from my private practice in future blogs.